Done Diddly Done

I crossed the finish line last night with 51, 134 words.  The story is about halfway complete, so I still have some work to do.

Last time I did NaNo I wasn't working.  I had other things going on (notably, three kids still living at home), but this month, I worked 20 hrs/wk, read eight novels, was sick twice, and cooked Thanksgiving dinner for nine.

I really feel like I accomplished something!

What I've really learned, though, is that I can easily sit in my chair until I write at least 300 words.  Even on bad days, I could do that much.  On good days, I hit 5k or so (granted, that only happened on a day off when I was parked at the desk all day, with a few breaks).

NaNoWriMo Day 23 - It's a Hootenanny

The goal for yesterday was 36,674 words, and I shut 'er down for the day at 40, 151.  And then went upstairs to take out my contacts, which were really bugging me... and discovered I have contracted pink eye. 

*%&*$#&!!!

So yeah, my eyes are a bit unhappy with me at the moment, and they don't particularly want to stare at a computer screen, but that's just too bad.  I had the flu a week and a half ago, and fell a few thousand words behind on my word count, but managed to catch up as soon as I could sit in the desk chair (wrapped in the wonderfully fuzzy dark red blanket Hannah gave me for Christmas two years ago, nursing a cup of Tazo tea with a smidgen of honey, and moaning in self-pity occasionally).  If the flu didn't stop me, some measely little eye poo is not gonna.

I have new glasses (seriously, they are three weeks old), and though I am not a fan of myself in glasses (cue the horrors of middle school with glasses, braces and full orthodontic headgear, and no sense of style whatsoever), these are not bad.  I look like a librarian.  A naughty librarian.  (That's how I'm going to picture myself to get through this; don't ruin it for me.)

Time for some eyedrops of death (those things sting like hell!), a little lunch (extra helping of caffeine, please), and we'll see if I can widen my lead on the last 9849 words (!) of this challenge.  I can tell that the story is going to go on well beyond that, which is excellent.  That's what December is for, right?  Right.

NaNoWriMo Day Six

Goal: 10,002.  I'm at 11,047, and I've noticed something I don't want to get too excited about lest it come back to biteth mine ass -- it's definitely going better this time.  Much better.

Like Yoda, I decided that there was no try - there was only do, or do not.

Since I did NaNoWriMo four years ago, I've had many upheavals, and my blogging has been spotty.  Quite spotty.  But I've not ceased to write.  I've written short sets of dialogue that came into my head for no reason, I've begun several short stories, fictional and memoir-type, a few of which I completed.  But the novel projects always hit a wall, whether it was at page 12 or page 112, every time.

There is just no reason for that, I believe, beyond the fact that none of these had a deadline, daily or otherwise.  Although there were times I sat and made myself write "as much as I could," I never gave myself a daily minimum time limit or minimum word limit.  I'm convinced that this is the key.  Everything worth doing, and certainly everything worth completing, eventually comes down to discipline.  Oh, how I do not like that word!  It has biblical and parental connotations, with memories of my mother saying such things as "thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me" right before I got walloped for something.  I use the word wallop now; that is growth and forgiveness in me, for which I am thankful.  I was not so forgiving 15-20 years ago, when I was closer to the experience.

Discipline needs to mean something positive for me, and the most positive thing I can give myself is something concrete accomplished.  Not just for NaNoWriMo, but from this point on.  Writing a couple thousand words a day is not beyond me.  It is a matter of do, or do not.

I choose to DO.  How about you?

One Mo NaNoWriMo

Well, I'm officially insane. I've just signed up to do National Novel Writing Month. Again. I wasn't able to do it officially last time, because Paul and I had never heard of NaNoWriMo until about two weeks after it ended in 2005. But that didn't stop us from holding our own "30 days to 50,000 words" noveling trek. Exhausting. Exhilarating. And a mind-blowing boost to our respective self-esteems.

I have one week to finish the novel I'm currently reading (because God knows I won't have time to do any reading once this monster gets rolling), and to reread Pride and Prejudice -- which will figure loosely into my novel. I do not intend to re-write or expand one of the greatest and most-loved novels ever written (as much as I've been tempted to read one of those new novels that are supposedly a continuation of the story of Darcy and Elizabeth -- I just can't do it!)... but I do intend to use Jane Austen's classic as a sort of backdrop.

Paul is thinking about joining me, again. I hope he does. I would miss hearing him battering his keyboard to death behind me. Amy is thinking about it as well, which would be awesome.

Very Quick Somewhat Tipsy Post

Okay so I've had a margarita or four this evening. I'm ready to peel the contact lenses out of my eyes and collapse in a heap on the bed, where I shall undoubtedly be assualted by my husband. Hopefully that is not wishful thinking.

Update on birthmother situation: Leslie and I have been in contact since late May. I was planning to visit her the weekend before last, and at nearly the last minute, she got cold feet. I really don't want to force myself on her, so I gracefully bowed out. Mom has been quite worried that I was beside myself with grief over this, and really, I'm not. I just decided to deal, and hope that Leslie's panicky feelings will calm down enough at some point to allow us to have a face-to-face meeting. Meanwhile we are sticking to talking on the phone every couple of weeks, which a year ago I thought would never, ever happen.

Paul is still, in the world of unemployment, what is called "under employed." This means he is working, but not nearly at capacity. He's teaching one evening finance class, for which he earns roughly the same thing I earn for working 20 hours a week. Trust me when I say I do not envy him this. The outside work required for one class is enormous (especially when it is a class one hasn't taught before), plus there's the standing up and talking in front of people thing, which no amount of money could induce me to do on a regular basis. (Okay, no amount of actual money that someone would actually pay for such a thing.) I'm fine sitting behind my desk dealing with students one at a time, thanks.

All kids doing awesomely, thank God. I mean I think there's only so much we can take, ya know? Breaking points, etc.

NaNoWriMo?

I'm on Facebook, for anyone who'd like to friend me. (Please tell me your bloggy alias name, or the name of your blog, in the request message -- so I know who you are, especially if you are one of those people who don't put photos on Blogger!)

I'm thinking about doing NaNoWriMo again -- it's been 4 years, and (like childbirth) the pain seems to have sufficiently faded to allow me to consider doing it again. Last time Paul and I did NaNoWriMo together (his idea), which was good because we missed the actual national November thing, with thousands of people writing at the same time, encouraging each other and providing friendly competition. We wrote from December 17 to January 15, which was kind of insane given the "normal" holiday pressures didn't take a break just because we'd decided to novel.

I'd done the math and made a chart showing the cumulative goal we needed to reach each day to hit 50,000 words by the end of the 30th day (roughly 1667 words/day). On the afternoon of the first day, I was feeling pretty smug sitting at 2000 or so words. I asked Paul what his word count was. "Five thousand and six," he said.

This is not what I consider friendly competition. As Bugs Bunny quipped, "Of course you realize -- THIS means WAR." I was behind him the rest of the month, but we both finished on time with just over 50,000 words. A sentence which makes me believe I am truly insane to consider doing it again...

What Are You Doing?

I've been working two (part-time) jobs on campus for the past month, because I'm moving back to academic advising and out of the receptionist position I've had for the last year or so. I am a sucker for "Can you stay just a little longer than two weeks PLEASE???" so I agreed to six. I'm so exhausted lately that the weekends aren't long enough to recoup and I feel like I'm stumbling into every Monday. I have one more week to go of this, after which I will feel good that I did it. For now, though, I think I need my head examined.

I couldn't believe it when a part-time advisor position was posted, but when I saw it, I pounced on it. After I'd started, I was told that I was The Top Choice for the position, which is a nice thing to be told, all pressure aside. So far I've redesigned the excel degree plan worksheets (people DO NOT know how to design things in excel! It's just not that hard!!) and shredded enough ancient student files to make me feel like a former Enron employee. (There were files going back to 1997 for chrissake, and we're only required to keep stuff five years. Seriously, I've freed up half the filing cabinet space.)

Everyone in my almost-former office is telling me they will miss me lots. To which I replied, "Oh good." Inevitable strange looks at that answer, so I was forced to elaborate. "Well I would rather you say you were going to miss me than OH THANK GOD SHE'S LEAVING."

A Clue? No Thanks, I've already Got One

In our depressed financial state, Paul has taken to making library trips, resulting in stacks of coverless hardback finance books sitting about like rental furniture made for cats. I've picked up one he finished recently - The Smartest Guys in the Room, which morphed into the documentary of the same name - and is the story of the rise and fall of Enron, complete with a long cast of characters.

Published in 2003, it is a clear testament to the fact that anyone involved with and/or aware of basic - and I mean basic - economics should have seen this current shit coming. Enron happened years ago, and we all just thought wow, how terrible and kept on with business as usual as though Enron had been a lone scavenging wolf, taking an elephant like Arthur Anderson into the abyss when it crashed, rather than the tip of the iceberg our big fat ship was full-steamin' ahead straight into. We've all been playing with monopoly money, counting it giddily and admiring our stupid little plastic houses sitting on their gameboard squares, trusting the Bank to hand out more cash when the dice rolls were lucky, of course they would always be lucky, why wouldn't they be?

My mental picture of the the landscape just before the current crash: Turkeys staring straight up at the sky as it begins raining. Turkeys thinking WTF? Glug, glug, glug...

Time in a Bottle

I am bothered, for about the millionth time, by the fact that I am wishing my life away. I have a habit of feeling that the time period I'm waiting for is always just out of reach, to the point that I am waiting for a day, a week, a month to be over before I can - what? - relax? enjoy myself? stop and think? (No, hell no, I am stopping and thinking all the time. That is not a state to be wished for, though perhaps when I had small children at home I wished for moments of stop-and-think-ness.)

On the way to work this morning I was behind someone who had one of those 911 bumper stickers that read: Don't postpone Joy, and it completely pissed me off. Don't tell me what to do, I thought. Okay, truth? That reaction reared up because postponing Joy seems to be my modus operandi.

What Joy am I postponing? Is there any out for me? Is that the problem - that I don't believe there's ever any out there with my name on it? And how do I go about stopping the postponing of it? This behavior is ingrained in me. I do it naturally. I do it well.

The Fun Just Doesn't Stop

Paul and Keith are celebrating Easter by watching "Hellboy II" in the other room.

We had Easter lunch at the in-laws. Robert was invited, and it was nice to see him. He looked very good, has taken up weekend cycling and even has a cycling group that does long-distance trips on the weekends. But he admitted that he has yet to change anything in the apartment -- he hasn't given away, packed up or so much as moved a single thing that belonged to Tim. As much as I believe he needs to do these things, for his own emotional good, I can't judge him. I know everyone has to heal at his own pace, in his own way. I can't imagine how I'd be able to stand to pack away Paul's clothes, go through his books and papers, throw out his toothbrush.

Paul lost his job five weeks ago. I suppose we've become one of the many faces of the recession at this point, for all we'd rather not be included, thanks. There is never, or almost never, a good time to be jobless. But to be jobless when two of three children are in college and one is about to begin high school is pretty awful timing. Five years ago we could have hunkered down a bit more financially. Five years from now we'd have two graduated adult children and only one in college. Now? Yikes.

Keith was first chair bass in the symphony orchestra this year, and also made it into the regional orchestra. I was planning to buy him a 3/4 string bass this summer; we've been renting from the schools since he was in 5th grade, and we thought it was time he had his own quality instrument. At the moment, it looks like that won't be happening.

Zach won't be graduating early (next May) because we can't afford to send him to school this summer, and he'll need more than two long semesters to finish the 42 hours remaining for his BFA. He's trying to find work so he can stay in NYC for the summer, as he really doesn't want to leave his girlfriend. He may not get his wish either.

Paul and I are still optimistic, though that's a difficult emotion to maintain at times. The job search scenery out there has changed, as most everyone knows. Anyone who is currently employed should be taking Suze's advice, as I'm glad to say we were attempting to do before this happened - time to cut back on spending and beef up the emergency savings - and the resume - even if you're pretty sure you won't need to. Trust me, for all the economic and business signals that were flashing, we didn't see it coming. Typical human nature: You never think it's gonna be you.